I remember a while back i told you all that i was going to try out the app BetterHelp for therapy sessions. Well what had happened was….it was expensive for me. I had to pay $265 and the way my bank account is structured
So i decided to write instead( as i have always done), writing is my cheap form of therapy( until i am rich enough to afford one).
Here i wanted to address one fear i was having at the beginning of the year, and that is the fear of my family reading my blog and finding out that i am BI ( because news flash i am not telling them. well in case anyone finds this….hello i’m bi).
I couldn’t write i had so many ideas in my head but i could not write a damn thing because i has this fear of being discovered. And when i don’t write out what i am feeling i get depressed and i get panic attacks. Sadly i went through that a lot in March, i couldn’t talk about about it because i felt no one would understand, i mean how do you explain that you are bisexual to people who wouldn’t understand.
I was angry, i wanted to self harm because there was a pain in my chest that just wouldn’t go away. On top of this i was still adjusting to living in Nigeria again ( i had been away for five years), i thought things would have improved but fuck no i was wrong its like we have literally taken seven steps back in to the 14th century.
So thats why i wanted to try therapy, i will eventually but not now. Sorry if anyone was waiting on my feedback, i am a broke-about-to-be-employed- Unicorn.
I will say though since i came back from camp i have been happy and i know this sounds bad but i keep waiting for the ball to drop. Right now i am in my i don’t care phase, i don’t care if they find out i love, support and i am part of the LGBTQIA community.
But that little shitty part of my brain keeps waiting for the ball to drop, i wonder how my reaction would be, i wonder if i would be strong or if i would go back to how i was in secondary school. I pray i would be courageous, but for now let me bask in this high and enjoy my creative flow.